I Love My Boss

So I spent a long time on the phone with my boss tonight after leaving both a voicemail and a text, neither of which is my custom. After over 30 minutes on the phone I was much more calm, hence being able to type this rather than throw the laptop through the wall. Or, into as hard as possible, seeing as the wall is rather strong.

I ended a dinner tonight. I am not often confrontational, especially in public, but tonight after 4 whiskeys and enough abuse, I was pissed. I told someone to shut the hell up and if they had a problem bring it to me in the correct way instead of bad mouthing my people in the form of yet another tasteless joke.

I have evidently a rather large ability of shutting things off and not fighting. I am on an even keel most days, so far as I have been told. I do not seek out a fight, I normally find a way to logically shut a debate down.

Tonight I was angry. It was one too many times of being told that the people that work for me are no longer as good of quality as the ones before, the department used to be fantastic before women were allowed in, etc. Every joke like this has a true belief behind it, and it both makes me angry as well as sickens me when it is given and believed as verse.

Yes, my department could be better. Yes there are problems. There always are when dealing with enough people and rules constantly changing every day that are just to be remembered without documentation.

For our new system, most process changes have had upwards of 25 test scripts to change for the new system to be put in place.

Mine has 300+ to test, all without the benefit of someone showing us what to do or how to figure out what we have in front of us.

And dinner was a work function-after thingy that had people who used to have my job who then felt the need to go on about how it should all work in the new system if we would just act as managers and do our jobs. Which led into the discussion of how my people are incompetent and how I am a shitty manager. Words, of course not said in that way, but in every way meant as such.

...But of course, they like me as a person.....

I love my boss. She is greatness, we get along, we have similar hobbies, and after 2 years we know how to deal with each other and our moods. She obviously got my urgency and anger from my attempts at contact, and called me. After 30 minutes of calm down from her to make me hang up (and even now way too long later I am still festering with this boiled up anger.)

All I asked for in my call was help. Help I cannot expect from the sources already proven, sources I don't really expect at all, but have to ask for, for both sanity and practicality sake.

Really, I'm stuck, I'm fucked in only bad ways, and I have a whole fun shitty new relationship to get used to that was previously okay. On the plus side, I have the promise of help, b/c there is no way to get through this standing without.

It is up to tomorrow to figure out if defuse = anger.

Tonight, I just can't bring myself to care.