BSG + Booze + Sleepy = Shitty

i wash my face with cleanser. then 2 cotton balls and a few swabbings of witch hazel and the evidence of the day is clear. contacts out, and i am as the gods commanded, back to basic and without demands.

adrian talks to his mother on the phone, a task i personally put off for my own family as long as possible. i cannot differentiate btwn duty and pleasure. and love and duty blurred the line long before i ever accepted the blurring of work and defeat. so where does that leave anything?

there is an internal monologue that i hear in my head that never ceases. in awakeness, in dreams, in drunkenness or sober, i hear myself narrating a world that never has existed. or, perhaps, existed just all too well that cannot begin to be in a physical form. i can't choose which it is as i cannot determine which i am ever actually in. worse is understanding that feeling and still not knowing the reason, feeling, or acceptance.

i often believe i have no clear understanding of the word 'feeling' and i just use it to explain the other thoughts i lack words for.

i wore a dress to work today. some saw, some did not.; probably the wrong ones saw, based on the reaction i received. i had people want to take pictures as this was such an unexplained occurrence. i was given compliments, as well as mocked for walking on my toes, when i finally wore tired of the heeled sandals and walked barefoot. one dared me to wear a dress tomorrow and he would wear a wig for a month, a dare i almost accepted, until i remembered that that was not the purpose nor the outcome to be wanting.

never knew a pair of very white calves could cause such a reaction. don't actually know from here if it is a compliment or just such an oddity that keeps people interested. carnies can do the same, but they at least get an income for it.

back to the beginning.l i apologize for laughing at you tonight for asking what religion you were in front of others who cannot understand. i know you are okay with it. but we both know i said it to diffuse one form for another, and b/c i am uncomfortable with all of it. this last weekend was very hard for someone like me. i have realized i have absolutely no faith in anything outside of myself and fate's sense of irony to give a shit about anything else.

perhaps that is worse. perhaps that will be my greater undoing and it can hopefully be at worst a very ironic ending. maybe the face of god will show up exactly as i am publicly blaspheming. irony. or the exacl opposite. hard to tell.

i really want to delete the entire last paragraph, but i almost feel it was a fight to even write down. my fingers do not want to work today. perhaps i am just stalling sleep as i cannot expect better than i already have in my own pessimistic mind.

either way, i suppose it is time...